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Hello Darkness

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The darkness of foster care is settling in once again. Not that it ever leaves, but some days it overshadows any light. We are six months into our current case and no matter how guarded I try to be the reality of another hard goodbye is weighing heavy on me. The ping pong bouncing around inside my head is loud and painful. I feel like I've failed as a foster mom, I haven't been able to connect with bio mom at all. I saw her soul today, broken and lost and angry as all hell. I don't blame her for the walls she has erected and for viewing us as the enemy...we have her son. Regardless of why her child came into care she is a human being and my heart hurts for her. At the same time I have fallen in love with her child and soon he will be gone. I'm going to miss his sweet face, the dimples, the afro, the stink eye, the entire house shaking as soon as he bounces out of bed every morning. In a matter of days we'll be packing up another child and his entire world will be tu
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Marked for Life

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There are some people who come into your life and leave a mark on your soul that changes you forever. This tatoo has so much meaning behind it. Loving and then losing R nearly destroyed me. For 36 months I was her mama. I know what people say about foster parents...that we know what we're getting ourselves into and that we need to be careful not to get too attached...don't cross that line! I know people think I overstepped with R, advocated too much, didn't have the "right" to fight so hard to keep her safe. After all...she wasn't my child.  And to those people I would say fuck off (sorry for the language Mom). I know that is harsh and might seem uncalled for...but I'm so done. We all need to stop judging things we know nothing about. If you wanna sit down with me so I can try and explain to you the absolute darkness that was R's other family I'd be glad to fill you in.  R was 4 months old when we brought her home, straight from the hospital. She h
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     It's been a while since I've been able to get on here. Since I last posted we have taken in another baby. So now with a seventeen month old and a twenty month old I've been a little stretched for time. We got the call about little guy some time in April. Our other foster baby was still recovering from open heart surgery and some complications. These calls come and trigger a tsunami in my brain. First of all I'm wondering why I would consider it at all. Then I'm picturing my family's reaction when I tell them about the call. I'm trying to think of all the questions I need to ask the caseworker. This baby also has special needs, the caseworker tosses around the words preemie, lung disease, chromosome disorder, autism, feeding issues, and significant developmental delays. The thought crosses my mind (and not for the first time)..."God got jokes!"      We said no at first. Until baby R was out of danger and recovered from her surgery life was too
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"Redeeming Ruth"

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Just wanted to share the link to an amazing memoir written by my dear friend Meadow Rue Merrill. You will be blessed by this story about love, loss, and redemption. https://www.amazon.com/Redeeming-Ruth-Everything-Takes-Restores
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https://youtu.be/NxUfJDvP_34  A sweet friend did this song for our foster baby, beautiful and amazing ❤...check Sierra Luke out on YouTube.
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Hospital Life

It's Day 26 in the hospital with our sweet foster baby. My heart goes out to families who spend months of their lives in the hospital with a sick child. I've never thought much about what that must be like before all of this. It's an alternate universe. Then there's taking care of a sick child who's not yours. I have to say that the team of doctors and nurses here have been amazing. They have involved us in every decision made even though technically we have no real authority in all of this. They are encouraging and supportive and they thank us every single day for taking care of her. Let's practice gratitude people...it goes a long way! I want to make it clear that as her foster family we totally support reunification with her biological family. That is our job, no matter how heartbreaking it feels. And as is the case in many fostering situations we are hated by the bio family. I don't use the word hate lightly but when you're staring at it face to fa
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Where To Begin...

I've decided to start this blog about fostering mostly because I like to write. Even more than that I want to write about the joys of fostering in hopes of overshadowing the pain. I will still talk about the pain though, because it's real and it's always there and it's fundamental to who we are as a foster family.  Those of you who know me know that I'm not a big talker. I do like having one on one conversations with people in general. But I am surrounded by people who actually enjoy doing the talking (and y'all know who you are) and so I'm content with being a good listener. There is SO much to talk about right now, so much crazy to share. Like loads and loads of it.  Being a foster mom wars against my introverted personality in a way that I cannot even put into words. Words that do come to mind though are words like wounded and threatened and broken and scared...and let's not forget inadequate. I'm going to leave it at that for now but tonight as
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