Marked for Life

There are some people who come into your life and leave a mark on your soul that changes you forever. This tatoo has so much meaning behind it. Loving and then losing R nearly destroyed me. For 36 months I was her mama. I know what people say about foster parents...that we know what we're getting ourselves into and that we need to be careful not to get too attached...don't cross that line! I know people think I overstepped with R, advocated too much, didn't have the "right" to fight so hard to keep her safe. After all...she wasn't my child. 

And to those people I would say fuck off (sorry for the language Mom). I know that is harsh and might seem uncalled for...but I'm so done. We all need to stop judging things we know nothing about. If you wanna sit down with me so I can try and explain to you the absolute darkness that was R's other family I'd be glad to fill you in. 

R was 4 months old when we brought her home, straight from the hospital. She had never lived with her bio family. For 3 years we were her family. We spent weeks in the hospital with her, ten trips to the ER, held her while she went through withdrawal after heart surgery, and watched her nearly die when she went into congestive heart failure. Nights where I was afraid to go to sleep. Day after day, week after week, year after year of living in constant fear of losing this child that I loved with my entire being. The anguish of being told in January of 2020 that in five days she would be returned to her "family" is something I can't even put into words. Five days of emotional hell. Packing up her clothes and toys, all her medical supplies, doing her tube feed for the last time, dressing her that morning and handing her over to a caseworker that I had zero respect for. The only caseworker I have ever yelled at. She was personally assaulted by someone in the bio family and "let it go". There was no justice for this child. And yet through it all my mama heart was shattered as I thought about her biological mom and the horror that she lived through. I now know the anguish that she felt. 

I love being a foster mom, although it is so much harder than most can comprehend.  There is joy and heartache when there's a healthy reunification. Sadness and anger when there's not. Brokeness all around. Loss becomes the expectation, for you and the child...the pain becomes a friend. You don't only lose that child that is reunified, you also lose people that you've come to care deeply about who are involved in the case. People who spend months in your home and become like family and then in the blink of an eye, they are gone as well. Insurmountable loss.

I'm not looking for kudos here and I am no hero. Those who know me well know better. I'm as broken as the next person. My personality is not to be confrontational, aggressive, opinionated, and certainly not outspoken. I'm exhausted by the amount of people constantly in my business. 

You might think that losing R is not the same as losing your own child. You're entitled to your opinion I suppose. But trust me on this - losing her has changed me like no other event in my life and grief is my new best friend. She is alive, out there somewhere, and I am not allowed to know if she is ok, healthy, happy, safe. Does she feel loved? Is she terrified of the monster that is her father? She doesn't have the language to let someone know if she is being hurt. These thoughts never leave me alone. I can still feel her in my arms. Not a day passes where grief doesn't repeatedly sucker punch me in the face. What hurts the most is what might have gone through her mind, especially in those days after she was moved. We were just gone, like we never existed. 

2020 was a shitshow. Saying goodbye to R, the pandemic, taking another placement in May, the most broken and traumatized little human. Back surgery in June, a hysterectomy in December, followed by a cancer diagnosis. What was my life? 

Little guy was with us for 13 months. His very brave and committed Dad worked so hard to get his son back...and he did. The day we packed him up and drove him to his Dad's house had a profound impact on my soul. That little boy held us tightly and sobbed...but he felt safe with his Daddy and that gave me all the peace in the world. Another beautifully broken experience. We took two months off and then said yes again. And this tiny human has captured my heart again...but something has changed in me and the fear of loss keeps me in check. 

Foster children are not "lucky" to have us. Imagine your own child in their place. You can never really walk in someone else's shoes. Almost everyone you meet has a story that you know nothing about. Be kind...don't make promises that you can't keep...and be there for people when you say you will be. 

I love you R. I know that eternity will bring us back together again. Until then may God watch over you every moment of every day. I would do it all over again because you are worth it.